Dec 11, 2009
hopefully this break will be good to me. im not going to work. i just want to read and write. i have a lot of things i need to figure out. and develop discipline... before next semester... i need to get over my fear of failure.. and do everything i can do to succeed... there is greatness inside of me... there is greatness inside of me... there is greatness inside of me... its time to bring it out...
Dec 10, 2009
i just realized that i am lost.
im trying to find where a belong - apart from God.
its not working.
i want to be a christian. i really love God.
i want to live my life - my way.
its not working.
so im lost. im not happy. im on the verge of really going backwards.
iv worked so hard to get where i am. all to be lost at the end.
thats stupid.
so i need to be rescued.
i need to find my way from here.
i cant go back
i dont want to be that person anymore.
i need to be rescued.
im trying to find where a belong - apart from God.
its not working.
i want to be a christian. i really love God.
i want to live my life - my way.
its not working.
so im lost. im not happy. im on the verge of really going backwards.
iv worked so hard to get where i am. all to be lost at the end.
thats stupid.
so i need to be rescued.
i need to find my way from here.
i cant go back
i dont want to be that person anymore.
i need to be rescued.
Dec 8, 2009
SUCKKKKK
going to fail ANOTHER fucking class... SHIT. I fucking SUCK!!!! What is wrong with me? Why can't I just do my work? or whatever. IDK what my problem is. Maybe I just SUCK!!! FUCK ME!!!
Dec 7, 2009
the cycle
fear. success. fail. fear. do it all over again.
fear. success. fail. fear.
the cycle of my life. afraid of success so i fail. which only brings more fear.
fear. success. fail. fear.
the cycle of my life. afraid of success so i fail. which only brings more fear.
INSANITY.
Dec 5, 2009
my mom brought me a guitar. im so excited. i cant wait until i can really play. JESUS i want to play to you. i want to play to you when im sad, angry, happy or whatever. When i dont know what to say to you i will play to you. Because even though my life is tough right now I LOVE YOU, I NEED YOU, AND IM TRYING NOT TO LET YOU GO. YOUR MY SAVIOR AND I WANT YOU TO BE MY CLOSEST FRIEND. please help me to hold on tight to you. because you arent like any other man or woman that has hurt me. you love me with perfect love. please help me to love myself like you love me and even though i will never be perfect at least i can try to be more like you everyday. i love you.
~your favorite one
~your favorite one
Dec 4, 2009
Dec 3, 2009
stream of consciousness
my current state of emotions = bi-polar. i swear one minute im happy then the next i want to jump off a bridge. im so unsure where all of this is coming from. i recently left my church for good. and im afraid. afraid that the people i loved there will never love me again. afraid of making relationships with new people. like seriously im tired of being hurt. im also tired of being who i am becuse its never good enough. no matter how much i give im never good enough to hold on to. i want to act out. i want to just forget about trying and live how ever i want to live, do what ever i want to do. but i cant. like there is something that holds me back. i know its God. even though i dont feel him very much anymore, i know he's there. i just wish he would speak to me, cuz i really need him to right now. i ned him to hug me and tell me its going to be ok. like a daddy would hold his little girl when she is scared... i need a daddy hug. i cant count on one hand how many hug i recieved from my 'natural' father. oh nad by the way he is coming to philly next week. i havent seen him in like 3 years. im nervous. i dont know what to say to him. how is it that you dont know what to say to the man who got your mother pregnant? crazy! i just want to know that i am loved. really loved. i keep getting tattoos and doing other stuff... but none of that is working... how will i know that i am loved? who will love me? and wont leave me when i make a mistake???
Nov 12, 2009
im sorry.
I wish I could talk to you. I wish I could tell you all the things that are in my heart. But you are so far away from me. So far that I must write them down. Write them in hopes that you will one day know how much I love and miss you. I know I have told you this before and I have asked Him to tell you that I love you and I am sorry, but this time I want to tell you the whole story.
His name was JTS. He was one year older than me but three inches shorter than me. I fell in love with him when I was 13 years old. He was my everything. We planned on being together forever, until we broke up. But after a coupe of months, we broke up again and then got back together. No matter how may times he cheated on me, or I cheated on him, our love was real.
I think about you often. I wonder what you look like, what are the color of your eyes, and hair. Sometimes I tell people about you. I tell them I wish I could have kept you, but it wasnt my choice. Yesterday, I went to the Baby GAP and looked through the rack of infant clothes. I wondered if you were a boy or a girl. I saw the cutest pink dress that I would have brought for you. It was light pink with green and purple stripes at the bottom. It came with a green and purple stripe shirt that would have gone under the dress and a pair of light pink Chuck Taylors. If you were a girl.
But if you were a boy I would have gotten the navy blue GAP hoodie with the light blue jeans and navy blue Chuck Taylors. I wandered in the store for about an hour. Did you hear me whisper, Im sorry?
The last time Jeff and I got back together was the best. He would call me all the time and we would talk for hours. One night we were talking about getting together. He asked me if I was on the pill. I said yes. I lied. He told me to meet him at the church because he missed me. He loved me. He wanted to make love to me. He lied.
I wonder if you are in Heaven. Sometimes when I look at the sky, I think you are looking down at me. But I dont know what you look like. Ive asked God to tell you that I am sorry. Did you get to talk to him yet? Has he told you the things Ive told him? Are you having a good time? Im sure it’s better than the time you would have had here.
When he saw me he took me by the hand and led me to the second floor of the church. Room 205. That was the room we always made love in. I was so excited to be in his arms again. It had been about a year since the last time. With him. I remembered our times before. How good they were. How delicate he was. How I could feel his love with his every stroke. But this time was different. I didnt know it happened and before I knew it, it was over. I was so confused. All he could say was sorry, I jerked off earlier, sorry. I didnt think much of it. I was just glad to be in his arms one more time.
I wonder if I will be able to have other children. I want you to know that even if I do I will never forget about you. You were my first. You are my first. Im sorry.
Before it was time for my cycle, I knew I was pregnant. I tried to tell my best friend Alex, who was going to be your godmother. She didnt believe me. She had brought me two pregnancy test that year and it was only the beginning in July. I kept telling her that I knew I was pregnant and when I didnt have my cycle she brought me a test.
We were at a house warming party on a Saturday afternoon. I took the black plastic bag in the bathroom with me. After I peed on the stick, I had to wait five minutes for the results. That was the longest five minutes of my life. And there it was. Positive. I had only been 16 for less than a month. And it was positive.
Sometimes I think about how different life would be for us right now. Im sure I wouldnt be in college. Im sure my life would have been miserable. Because I was 16. And as much as it hurts me to say this. Im sure it was the right decision. Im sorry.
When I told your father I could hear the hatred rise in his voice. I lied to him. He told me to get rid of you. But I couldnt. I wanted to have you. I wanted to be your mother. To hold you. I planned on running away from home. I was going to move into a group home and love you. I wanted to. I needed you. No one else loved me. I needed you to love me.
I decided to tell my mother. She told me I had to get rid of you. She said she wasnt going to let me mess up my life with a baby like she did hers. Im her only child. She told me I was too young. So I had to get rid of you. The doctors put me to sleep and you were gone. I asked for a picture of you. But after about two weeks I had to get rid of if. I couldnt look at you anymore. Im sorry.
I want you to know that I am sorry. Im sorry I didnt give you a chance to live. Im sorry you only lived for 8 1/2 weeks. But I couldnt have taken care of you. As much as this hurts to say, it was the best decision. I am a different person. I am in college. I have learned from my mistakes. I am no longer joining my body with men. I have joined my body with God. I hope you can understand this. There was no way I could have provided for you. I was 16.
In this life we have to make decisions that no matter which one is chosen, someone will inevitably be hurt. Im sorry I chose you. I could have gave you up for adoption. But I wouldnt have. I was using you to get the love that no one else at the time was giving me.
Ive learned many lessons. Lessons that I dont think I could have learned if I was your mother. Ive learned that God loves me and I must love myself if Im going to live this life to its fullest. Ive learned that my body is precious and needs to be treated as such. So I keep it safe. The next person that will enter it will be my husband. I wish I could have had it both ways. I wish you could have lived and I still be the person I am now. But Im sure that was not possible. I couldnt have been the mother you needed. Because until a short time ago, I didnt know what a real mother looked like.
My mother and I have reconciled our relationship since the doctors took you away. Forever. We have even talked about you. She is sorry that she made me choose not to let you live. But she knows that was the best decision.
Im not sure if a person can ask for forgiveness and understanding simultaneously. But I must. I want you to forgive me. I want you to know that it was the best choice. I think.
I love you. I hope to see you when I get to heaven. I hope to hold you in my arms. I hope to be your mother.
His name was JTS. He was one year older than me but three inches shorter than me. I fell in love with him when I was 13 years old. He was my everything. We planned on being together forever, until we broke up. But after a coupe of months, we broke up again and then got back together. No matter how may times he cheated on me, or I cheated on him, our love was real.
I think about you often. I wonder what you look like, what are the color of your eyes, and hair. Sometimes I tell people about you. I tell them I wish I could have kept you, but it wasnt my choice. Yesterday, I went to the Baby GAP and looked through the rack of infant clothes. I wondered if you were a boy or a girl. I saw the cutest pink dress that I would have brought for you. It was light pink with green and purple stripes at the bottom. It came with a green and purple stripe shirt that would have gone under the dress and a pair of light pink Chuck Taylors. If you were a girl.
But if you were a boy I would have gotten the navy blue GAP hoodie with the light blue jeans and navy blue Chuck Taylors. I wandered in the store for about an hour. Did you hear me whisper, Im sorry?
The last time Jeff and I got back together was the best. He would call me all the time and we would talk for hours. One night we were talking about getting together. He asked me if I was on the pill. I said yes. I lied. He told me to meet him at the church because he missed me. He loved me. He wanted to make love to me. He lied.
I wonder if you are in Heaven. Sometimes when I look at the sky, I think you are looking down at me. But I dont know what you look like. Ive asked God to tell you that I am sorry. Did you get to talk to him yet? Has he told you the things Ive told him? Are you having a good time? Im sure it’s better than the time you would have had here.
When he saw me he took me by the hand and led me to the second floor of the church. Room 205. That was the room we always made love in. I was so excited to be in his arms again. It had been about a year since the last time. With him. I remembered our times before. How good they were. How delicate he was. How I could feel his love with his every stroke. But this time was different. I didnt know it happened and before I knew it, it was over. I was so confused. All he could say was sorry, I jerked off earlier, sorry. I didnt think much of it. I was just glad to be in his arms one more time.
I wonder if I will be able to have other children. I want you to know that even if I do I will never forget about you. You were my first. You are my first. Im sorry.
Before it was time for my cycle, I knew I was pregnant. I tried to tell my best friend Alex, who was going to be your godmother. She didnt believe me. She had brought me two pregnancy test that year and it was only the beginning in July. I kept telling her that I knew I was pregnant and when I didnt have my cycle she brought me a test.
We were at a house warming party on a Saturday afternoon. I took the black plastic bag in the bathroom with me. After I peed on the stick, I had to wait five minutes for the results. That was the longest five minutes of my life. And there it was. Positive. I had only been 16 for less than a month. And it was positive.
Sometimes I think about how different life would be for us right now. Im sure I wouldnt be in college. Im sure my life would have been miserable. Because I was 16. And as much as it hurts me to say this. Im sure it was the right decision. Im sorry.
When I told your father I could hear the hatred rise in his voice. I lied to him. He told me to get rid of you. But I couldnt. I wanted to have you. I wanted to be your mother. To hold you. I planned on running away from home. I was going to move into a group home and love you. I wanted to. I needed you. No one else loved me. I needed you to love me.
I decided to tell my mother. She told me I had to get rid of you. She said she wasnt going to let me mess up my life with a baby like she did hers. Im her only child. She told me I was too young. So I had to get rid of you. The doctors put me to sleep and you were gone. I asked for a picture of you. But after about two weeks I had to get rid of if. I couldnt look at you anymore. Im sorry.
I want you to know that I am sorry. Im sorry I didnt give you a chance to live. Im sorry you only lived for 8 1/2 weeks. But I couldnt have taken care of you. As much as this hurts to say, it was the best decision. I am a different person. I am in college. I have learned from my mistakes. I am no longer joining my body with men. I have joined my body with God. I hope you can understand this. There was no way I could have provided for you. I was 16.
In this life we have to make decisions that no matter which one is chosen, someone will inevitably be hurt. Im sorry I chose you. I could have gave you up for adoption. But I wouldnt have. I was using you to get the love that no one else at the time was giving me.
Ive learned many lessons. Lessons that I dont think I could have learned if I was your mother. Ive learned that God loves me and I must love myself if Im going to live this life to its fullest. Ive learned that my body is precious and needs to be treated as such. So I keep it safe. The next person that will enter it will be my husband. I wish I could have had it both ways. I wish you could have lived and I still be the person I am now. But Im sure that was not possible. I couldnt have been the mother you needed. Because until a short time ago, I didnt know what a real mother looked like.
My mother and I have reconciled our relationship since the doctors took you away. Forever. We have even talked about you. She is sorry that she made me choose not to let you live. But she knows that was the best decision.
Im not sure if a person can ask for forgiveness and understanding simultaneously. But I must. I want you to forgive me. I want you to know that it was the best choice. I think.
I love you. I hope to see you when I get to heaven. I hope to hold you in my arms. I hope to be your mother.
Nov 1, 2009
me and God are back together. Im happy that we can just pick up where I left off. HE LOVES ME OH HOW HE LOVES ME. HE IS JEALOUS FOR ME, LOVES LIKE A HURRICANE, I AM A TREE, BENDING BENEATH THE WEIGHT OF HIS WIND AND MERCY. WHEN ALL OF A SUDDEN I AM UNAWARE OF THESE AFFLICTIONS ECLIPSED BY GLORY, AND I REALIZED JUST HOW BAUTIFUL YOU ARE AND HOW GREAT YOUR AFFECTIONS ARE FOR ME. HE LOVES ME OH HOW HE LOVES ME OH HOW HE LOVES ME. OH HOW HE LLLLLOOOOVVVVEEESSSS!
Oct 24, 2009
Oct 21, 2009
current life.
Hey guys,
I am writing this letter to catch all of you up on what’s going on in my life, the good, the bad, and the ugly. I probably will start off with the ugly, then work my way up to the good LOL. Most of you have stated that I am different, that I have changed since the summer and you are right! I have changed, and in some ways it’s not for the best. This is pretty much written in stream of consciousness, so it doesnt really have an order.
You all know that I was struggling with church, not sure if I wanted to go back to my church, not sure if I wanted to go to church at all, well the struggle has turned into something much more than I expected. Upon my return to Philly, I was worried that friendships with people would end because I chose to get a tattoo and drink. I thought I would be able to handle it, I thought it wouldn’t affect me, but I was wrong. When those relationships ended, it made my heart turn cold. I was/ am angry, hurt, confused etc. At first I told myself that they didn’t deserve me as a friend anyway, and it was their loss, but my heart didn’t believe that. This effected my relationship with God and with people. I have no current desire to go to church. It is hard for me to talk to God because I feel like he is just watching me, looking at me cry, yell, scream, cuss, but all he does is watch. He doesn’t move, He’s not speaking. Now don’t get me wrong, there have been moments where I felt him, but they have been scarce. The very thought of me going to church, especially mine, makes me angry. I think church is retarded. It has retarded dress codes, retarded rules that are supposed to make me a better Christian but only make me a better faker, retarded ways of selling christianity to people, which only deceives them to think salvation is a simple prayer and life will be perfect! That is BULL! This walk is the hardest thing to do in the world. Salvation is not a prayer, it is a life, a continual ‘path’ that has all types of bumps, ditches, and ‘invisible trees’ along the way. The church is retarded because it is still segregated, by race, class, ethnic groups and so on. Every denomination thinks it is better than the next, when in fact all of them suck. There is not one denomination that has it 100% correct, and if they believe they do then they are retarded! It makes me so angry! But I think what makes me angry the most is that I know I have to go back. I cannot explain how I know this but I do and it SUCKS! There is currently an inner battle warring in my heart. I am fighting against this, but soon I will give in, I hope. I know that I can’t/ won’t be this way forever. Im not sure what God has planned, but Im pretty sure it involves me in church, my church, soon. But I wont go without a fight, not sure why but thats what I do.
I have no idea where I am with God. In my efforts to be ‘real’ I have lost track of somethings. I desire so much to not be like those people, that I have in some ways become rebellious. I have went back to some old habits, which I loathe. I stay in my room a lot, which is unusual for me because I am so much of a people person. I am searching for realness, for authenticity, for something new. But I dont know what it is. Im not sure where it is either, but I NED IT. I feel like its something so important that I have been trying everything I know to get it but nothing has been working. I wish I knew what it was, ultimately I wish I knew who I am.
My father and I reconciled. I told him how it felt not growing up with a dad, and I told him I would give him one more chance, and if he messes up he can forget that he ever had a daughter. It has been going great. He calls, he sent me some pictures and cards. Im hopeful but not dumb.
I still love my haircut. Even though my grandma basically told me I was going to hell because I cut my hair. It makes me happy. It reminds me that I am not or will I ever be a conformist. Also it is so easy to take care of.
I think I am searching to know God in a different way. A way that is opposite than what I have been taught all my life. To really know Him. But its kind of hard to do that when He doesnt speak to me. Or when Im too busy to read the Bible and really talk to him. It will change soon. Hopefully. I need Him.
Classes are ok. Chemistry is kicking my Butt! But my English classes are great. Havent gotten anything lower than a B+ on my papers/stories. For my latest short story I wrote a satire on the black church. Got an A.
Well its 3:18 am. Im tired. This is my life. Respond if you want. But def. Pray. I need it. I love you all.
I am writing this letter to catch all of you up on what’s going on in my life, the good, the bad, and the ugly. I probably will start off with the ugly, then work my way up to the good LOL. Most of you have stated that I am different, that I have changed since the summer and you are right! I have changed, and in some ways it’s not for the best. This is pretty much written in stream of consciousness, so it doesnt really have an order.
You all know that I was struggling with church, not sure if I wanted to go back to my church, not sure if I wanted to go to church at all, well the struggle has turned into something much more than I expected. Upon my return to Philly, I was worried that friendships with people would end because I chose to get a tattoo and drink. I thought I would be able to handle it, I thought it wouldn’t affect me, but I was wrong. When those relationships ended, it made my heart turn cold. I was/ am angry, hurt, confused etc. At first I told myself that they didn’t deserve me as a friend anyway, and it was their loss, but my heart didn’t believe that. This effected my relationship with God and with people. I have no current desire to go to church. It is hard for me to talk to God because I feel like he is just watching me, looking at me cry, yell, scream, cuss, but all he does is watch. He doesn’t move, He’s not speaking. Now don’t get me wrong, there have been moments where I felt him, but they have been scarce. The very thought of me going to church, especially mine, makes me angry. I think church is retarded. It has retarded dress codes, retarded rules that are supposed to make me a better Christian but only make me a better faker, retarded ways of selling christianity to people, which only deceives them to think salvation is a simple prayer and life will be perfect! That is BULL! This walk is the hardest thing to do in the world. Salvation is not a prayer, it is a life, a continual ‘path’ that has all types of bumps, ditches, and ‘invisible trees’ along the way. The church is retarded because it is still segregated, by race, class, ethnic groups and so on. Every denomination thinks it is better than the next, when in fact all of them suck. There is not one denomination that has it 100% correct, and if they believe they do then they are retarded! It makes me so angry! But I think what makes me angry the most is that I know I have to go back. I cannot explain how I know this but I do and it SUCKS! There is currently an inner battle warring in my heart. I am fighting against this, but soon I will give in, I hope. I know that I can’t/ won’t be this way forever. Im not sure what God has planned, but Im pretty sure it involves me in church, my church, soon. But I wont go without a fight, not sure why but thats what I do.
I have no idea where I am with God. In my efforts to be ‘real’ I have lost track of somethings. I desire so much to not be like those people, that I have in some ways become rebellious. I have went back to some old habits, which I loathe. I stay in my room a lot, which is unusual for me because I am so much of a people person. I am searching for realness, for authenticity, for something new. But I dont know what it is. Im not sure where it is either, but I NED IT. I feel like its something so important that I have been trying everything I know to get it but nothing has been working. I wish I knew what it was, ultimately I wish I knew who I am.
My father and I reconciled. I told him how it felt not growing up with a dad, and I told him I would give him one more chance, and if he messes up he can forget that he ever had a daughter. It has been going great. He calls, he sent me some pictures and cards. Im hopeful but not dumb.
I still love my haircut. Even though my grandma basically told me I was going to hell because I cut my hair. It makes me happy. It reminds me that I am not or will I ever be a conformist. Also it is so easy to take care of.
I think I am searching to know God in a different way. A way that is opposite than what I have been taught all my life. To really know Him. But its kind of hard to do that when He doesnt speak to me. Or when Im too busy to read the Bible and really talk to him. It will change soon. Hopefully. I need Him.
Classes are ok. Chemistry is kicking my Butt! But my English classes are great. Havent gotten anything lower than a B+ on my papers/stories. For my latest short story I wrote a satire on the black church. Got an A.
Well its 3:18 am. Im tired. This is my life. Respond if you want. But def. Pray. I need it. I love you all.
time
its time for me to tell the truth, to stop lying about my current state. so here it goes. i am unsure of who i am.
Oct 13, 2009
i did it again.. keep looking at this stuff... ugh. why cant i have a pure mind? why do i want to watch this stuff? god. please help me not want to watch this stuff. help me not desire that. i want to desire you and only you. im so messed up. i dont want to be addicted again. please please help me. please get these images out of my head. please. im begging you. i cant do it by myself. i need you. please.
Oct 12, 2009
will you?
my heart is hurting. anxiety is attacking me. it wants love and affection. it desires sex and intimacy.
my heart is hurting. anxiety is attacking me. it wants to forget about the past. it desires happiness and joy.
my heart is hurting. anxiety is attacking me. it wants to be free from pain. it desires friendship not judgment.
my heart is hurting. anxiety is attacking me. it wants to give itself to you. it desires you and only you.
my heart is hurting. anxiety is attacking me. it wants to be revived. it desires newness and life.
my heart is hurting. anxiety is attacking me. will you perform this surgery?
will you give me a new one?
will you take this old heart
so anxiety, fear, loneliness, anger, rage, hurt, disappointment and weariness wont exist?
Sep 20, 2009
Sep 18, 2009
The Tale of a Pregnant Woman with Three Lovers
This is another assignment for class, a story with every sentence starting with 'he said' or 'she said'. The story is wild and confusing. Be sure to read the title. I hope you understand it and like it.
She said, “I love you but I can no longer see you until he dies.”
He said, “If you would just let me kill him we could be together and I could raise my child that is growing inside of you.”
She said, “There is no need to kill him; he is already dying; the pain is becoming more unbearable for him daily.”
He said, “I will wait for you my love, but you must know patience is a virtue I lack immensely.”
She said, “Where are you going?”
He said, “To kill him, my patience has already run out.”
* * *
“She said she loved me and she would not leave me until death parted us.”
“She said she never loved you, but she couldn’t disappoint her father; you were the only man he wanted for her. She said she tried to love you, but the more you knew her, the more she began to abhor you.”
“She said she never loved you, but she couldn’t disappoint her father; you were the only man he wanted for her. She said she tried to love you, but the more you knew her, the more she began to abhor you.”
* * *
“He said he was going to kill him.”
She said, “Did you tell him that you were going to leave him for me?”
“He said he would die before he loses me.”
She said, “Well you know what you have to do, I hate it when you let them inside of you, it sickens me.”
She said, “Let’s go find them so I can end it all.”
She said, “Did you tell him that you were going to leave him for me?”
“He said he would die before he loses me.”
She said, “Well you know what you have to do, I hate it when you let them inside of you, it sickens me.”
She said, “Let’s go find them so I can end it all.”
* * *
She said, “I’m sorry.”
He said, “What are you doing, I thought you loved me?”
He said, “Who is that gun for?”
She said, “Both of you, I don’t love with either of you, I’m in with love her.”
He said, “What are you doing, I thought you loved me?”
He said, “Who is that gun for?”
She said, “Both of you, I don’t love with either of you, I’m in with love her.”
* * *
She said, “Now we can be together forever.”
Question for My Father
This was an assignment for class. I had to write a 300 word sentence (i.e Girl by Jamaica Kincaid). Let me know what you think.
Bastard where were you when I needed you, where were you when I cried for you every night, what made you think that I didn't need you, what made you think that buying me one pair of Reebok sneakers would replace all the times my mother struggled to put food on the table for me, did you ever think about me as much as I though about you, do you know my favorite color, how about my favorite food, why did you choose another family over me, wasn't I good enough, wasn't I pretty enough, smart enough, what did I do to make you choose to not be apart of my life, when did you decide being someone else's dad (whom was no blood relation to you) would be better than being my dad, was my mom the problem, did she forbid you from seeing me, do you know how I feel when I see other girls with their fathers, do you know how it tears me apart knowing that at times you lived down the street from me and never came to see me, do you know how it feels to know that I am an unwanted bastard, do you know how it felt to want the attention of my father but only found it in the arms of useless men, do you know how many times I joined my body with another in attempt to fill this void but was only left more empty than when I began, do you know I hate myself because I have never been affirmed by a man, do you know that the only time I felt ‘loved’ by a man was when his body was pressed against mine, do you like that image of your daughter, your baby girl giving herself away?
Bastard where were you when I needed you, where were you when I cried for you every night, what made you think that I didn't need you, what made you think that buying me one pair of Reebok sneakers would replace all the times my mother struggled to put food on the table for me, did you ever think about me as much as I though about you, do you know my favorite color, how about my favorite food, why did you choose another family over me, wasn't I good enough, wasn't I pretty enough, smart enough, what did I do to make you choose to not be apart of my life, when did you decide being someone else's dad (whom was no blood relation to you) would be better than being my dad, was my mom the problem, did she forbid you from seeing me, do you know how I feel when I see other girls with their fathers, do you know how it tears me apart knowing that at times you lived down the street from me and never came to see me, do you know how it feels to know that I am an unwanted bastard, do you know how it felt to want the attention of my father but only found it in the arms of useless men, do you know how many times I joined my body with another in attempt to fill this void but was only left more empty than when I began, do you know I hate myself because I have never been affirmed by a man, do you know that the only time I felt ‘loved’ by a man was when his body was pressed against mine, do you like that image of your daughter, your baby girl giving herself away?
Aug 4, 2009
Fairy Tale
My heart bleeds for your attention
Seeking the warmth of you deep dark brown skin
Pressed against my back, while the words ‘I love you’ seep through my ears with the intention of never leaving.
I’ve waited so long for this moment, where you would hold me close in your arms and never let me go;
Telling me that my hurt was just the beginning of a fairy tale, and as it always goes, you, my prince, has come to rescue me from the dragon called life.
Because all fairy tales have happy endings, where everyone lives happily ever after, right?
But this is life!
You never came, I never felt your arms around my pain stricken body,
The dragon spit fire in my mouth day in and out, but I kept holding on because I knew you were coming.
I fought the dragon as much as I could, because my prince was on his way.
But this is life!
I’ve accepted your absence, and have become the dragon’s slave.
Still hoping that life would end as a fairy tale.
Seeking the warmth of you deep dark brown skin
Pressed against my back, while the words ‘I love you’ seep through my ears with the intention of never leaving.
I’ve waited so long for this moment, where you would hold me close in your arms and never let me go;
Telling me that my hurt was just the beginning of a fairy tale, and as it always goes, you, my prince, has come to rescue me from the dragon called life.
Because all fairy tales have happy endings, where everyone lives happily ever after, right?
But this is life!
You never came, I never felt your arms around my pain stricken body,
The dragon spit fire in my mouth day in and out, but I kept holding on because I knew you were coming.
I fought the dragon as much as I could, because my prince was on his way.
But this is life!
I’ve accepted your absence, and have become the dragon’s slave.
Still hoping that life would end as a fairy tale.
From the Kid in Me
Happy father’s day daddy,
Thank you for all the times you lied to me.
And the times you promised to take me places, but never did.
Happy father’s day daddy,
Thank you for not protecting me when your cousin had his hands all over my body.
And for not holding me when I cried at night because I was afraid to be alone.
Happy father’s day daddy,
You are the best dead beat father in the world.
My heart beat pumps pain when this day comes around.
Looking at other girls hanging on their dad’s arm, walking with heads held high, proud of their dad.
But me, I sit on the window pane, tears flowing from my eyes.
Wishing I could be proud of you,
Wishing I knew you,
Wishing I could say happy father’s day daddy.
Thank you for all the times you lied to me.
And the times you promised to take me places, but never did.
Happy father’s day daddy,
Thank you for not protecting me when your cousin had his hands all over my body.
And for not holding me when I cried at night because I was afraid to be alone.
Happy father’s day daddy,
You are the best dead beat father in the world.
My heart beat pumps pain when this day comes around.
Looking at other girls hanging on their dad’s arm, walking with heads held high, proud of their dad.
But me, I sit on the window pane, tears flowing from my eyes.
Wishing I could be proud of you,
Wishing I knew you,
Wishing I could say happy father’s day daddy.
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