I Need to Escape My Escape

i see the blood escaping from my arm
i see the pain, anger, disappointment go with it.
my friend that assist me in my need to escape is not a sharp as the first day,
so i press harder, dig deeper, feel more pain, see more blood.
because i need to escape!
scars never have time to heal,
skin will never look like it did before my first day.
i switch arms, im shaking!
my right arm is not as strong as the left,
nevertheless i use it.
more blood, more pain, more open wounds!
if this is my escape, why do i need to escape everyday?
more blood, more pain, more open wounds!
blood running down both arms
as each drop hits the cold floor, i feel a release.
drip...

there goes the rape,

drip...
there goes the sex with that jerk,
drip...
there goes the emptiness i feel because he was never around,
drip...
there goes all the times i failed,
drip... drip... drip...
there goes my life
more blood, more pain, more open wounds.

Reflection on My Desires

1. My desires are: A relationship that will lead to marriage, friends that will last forever, financial stability, a relationship with my dad, a new wardrobe, the drive to be proficient in my schooling, closure of the past relationship with Jeff, healing from past hurts, disappointments, and mistakes.

2. I am willing to surrender all these desires to GOD.

Dear God,

I lay all of my desires at your feet. These are the things in my heart that I long for but your WORD say that "Delight my self in the Lord and He will give me the desires of my heart". So i learned that if I delight myself, or desire your presence more than anything else then you because you already know my heart you will give me what my heart desires, but because my desire will be in you then you will give me yourself, which is all I need. Because with you comes peace, joy, happiness, and security! So On Nov 21, 2008 I declare to you father that I will delight myself, give myself to you totally so that you in return will give yourself to me!! I also pray that you would help m and show me how to mediate on your word. I want your glory to fall on me as it did moses but not just stop on em but invade me! As I worship you reveal to me through your word the things you want me to know. I want to know about you, I want to know what makes you smile, I want to make you smile. Please speak to me about delighting myself in you!! I want to enter the most HOLY PLACE in YOU!! AMEN!!

Tonight!!!

Tonight was a signature moment in my relationship with my father!! Tonight was my first night at the burn! and oh did I burn!! I spent the first part of worship struggling with myself because i was uncomfortable and so far away from God.  So as i sat on the couch, I began to pray and try to push into the worship realm with God but I was hitting a brick wall! Hit after Hit, but not giving up.  I Wanted something more, I wanted god to break me! So I kept trying to press through and no success. Finally, Amy came over to pray with me and for me. As soon as she laid hands on me, I felt the  wall break!!! Before she even said anything, God released my tongue, to speak in the heavenly language!! She started humming over me and then she started to speak in the heavenly language also.  Its was like her spirit was agreeing, and strengthening my spirit. then she spoke, "More, More", she said as  I began to cry profusely.  "More, God give her More, Do it God, Do it" these few, simple words were just the beginning of what was going on inside of me. After she left i began to really talk to God. "God please forgive me, forgive me for loosing my virginity, for having an abortion" although my lips were moving, no sound was coming out because the only sound that escaped from my lips was the sobbing sound, from the extreme crying  I was doing.  "God I just want to be free, I just want to be whole. I'm tired of loosing my fire, I'm tire of fighting with you, so i give you all of me, all of my hurt all of my insecurities, all of my pain, I give you all of me, please please come in and do something amazing inside of me. rid me of everything that is not like you, here is all of me, all of my mess ups and stuff, just take it and do what ever you please!!!" I said to my father, with each word i could feel something in my spirit breaking but at the same time i felt something being put together.  God was breaking off the crap but replacing and mending the things that i needed to serve Him.  During my prayer I kept seeing this vision of this Tall guy (father) with His big arms stretched out and this little girl (me) running into his arms and His huge arms embracing the girl.  When the worship began to quite, Pastor Dale asked if anyone wanted to be prayed for. Fear gripped my heart, because i wanted prayed but I was too afraid to raise my hand.  But after two other people i got the courage to raise my hand.  As soon as  I sat in the middle of the circle, he began to laugh.  He said "Wow, Wow, I hear God saying Go back to your church!!" my spirit jumped and I began to cry again.  I was absent from church for like a month.  I just got this feeling that I didn't want to go to church anymore.  He said "God is gong to use you to break the religiousness from your church, He is going to use you for great things there, but you have to go back." Again m heavenly language over took me.  I was so in awe that all I could do is speak in the heavenly.  following all of the ridiculous worship, i got a voicemail from my dad, and pastor Dale prayed for him.  He said me missed me! 

    This night was the beginning of a new me.  No more fighting with God. "I'M ALL YOURS HAVE YOUR WAY WITH ME!!!"  God I thank you for meeting me right where I was and having mercy on me!! Please keep this fire burned inside of me!! I say AMEN to this night!! AMEN AMEN AMEN!!!!!