hopefully this break will be good to me.  im not going to work. i just want to read and write.  i have a lot of things i need to figure out.  and develop discipline... before next semester... i need to get over my fear of failure.. and do everything i can do to succeed...  there is greatness inside of me... there is greatness inside of me... there is greatness inside of me... its time to bring it out...

i just realized that i am lost. 

im trying to find where a belong - apart from God.
its not working.

i want to be a christian.  i really love God.
i want to live my life - my way.
its not working.

so im lost.  im not happy.  im on the verge of really going backwards.
iv worked so hard to get where i am.  all to be lost at the end.
thats stupid.

so i need to be rescued. 
i need to find my way from here.
i cant go back
i dont want to be that person anymore.

i need to be rescued.

SUCKKKKK

going to fail ANOTHER fucking class... SHIT. I fucking SUCK!!!! What is wrong with me?  Why can't I just do my work? or whatever. IDK what my problem is.  Maybe I just SUCK!!! FUCK ME!!!

the cycle

fear. success. fail. fear. do it all over again.




fear. success. fail. fear.



the cycle of my life. afraid of success so i fail. which only brings more fear.

 INSANITY.

my mom brought me a guitar. im so excited. i cant wait until i can really play. JESUS i want to play to you.  i want to play to you when im sad, angry, happy or whatever.  When i dont know what to say to you i will play to you.  Because even though my life is tough right now I LOVE YOU, I NEED YOU, AND IM TRYING NOT TO LET YOU GO. YOUR MY SAVIOR AND I WANT YOU TO BE MY CLOSEST FRIEND.  please help me to hold on tight to you. because you arent like any other man or woman that has hurt me.  you love me with perfect love.  please help me to love myself like you love me and even though i will never be perfect at least i can try to be more like you everyday.  i love you.
~your favorite one

  i want to be a different person. a person that is not me. i need help.

stream of consciousness

my current state of emotions = bi-polar. i swear one minute im happy then the next i want to jump off a bridge. im so unsure where all of this is coming from.  i recently left my church for good.  and im afraid.  afraid that the people i loved there will never love me again. afraid of making relationships with new people. like seriously im tired of being hurt.  im also tired of being who i am becuse its never good enough.  no matter how much i give im never good enough to hold on to.  i want to act out. i want to just forget about trying and live how ever i want to live, do what ever i want to do. but i cant.  like there is something that holds me back. i know its God.  even though i dont feel him very much anymore, i know he's there.  i just wish he would speak to me, cuz i really need him to right now.  i ned him to hug me and tell me its going to be ok.  like a daddy would hold his little girl when she is scared... i need a daddy hug.  i cant count on one hand how many hug i recieved from my 'natural' father. oh nad by the way he is coming to philly next week. i havent seen him in like 3 years. im nervous.  i dont know what to say to him.  how is it that you dont know what to say to the man who got your mother pregnant? crazy!  i just want to know that i am loved. really loved. i keep getting tattoos and doing other stuff... but none of that is working... how will i know that i am loved? who will love me? and wont leave me when i make a mistake???