So I heard a WOMAN poet say this and it was so deep... "IMA GET A SEX CHANGE OPERATION SO YOU AND HALF OF AMERICA CAN OFFICIALLY SUCK MY DICK!"
whoo... that line is so hott! its for all the haters!
Oct 24, 2009
Oct 21, 2009
current life.
Hey guys,
I am writing this letter to catch all of you up on what’s going on in my life, the good, the bad, and the ugly. I probably will start off with the ugly, then work my way up to the good LOL. Most of you have stated that I am different, that I have changed since the summer and you are right! I have changed, and in some ways it’s not for the best. This is pretty much written in stream of consciousness, so it doesnt really have an order.
You all know that I was struggling with church, not sure if I wanted to go back to my church, not sure if I wanted to go to church at all, well the struggle has turned into something much more than I expected. Upon my return to Philly, I was worried that friendships with people would end because I chose to get a tattoo and drink. I thought I would be able to handle it, I thought it wouldn’t affect me, but I was wrong. When those relationships ended, it made my heart turn cold. I was/ am angry, hurt, confused etc. At first I told myself that they didn’t deserve me as a friend anyway, and it was their loss, but my heart didn’t believe that. This effected my relationship with God and with people. I have no current desire to go to church. It is hard for me to talk to God because I feel like he is just watching me, looking at me cry, yell, scream, cuss, but all he does is watch. He doesn’t move, He’s not speaking. Now don’t get me wrong, there have been moments where I felt him, but they have been scarce. The very thought of me going to church, especially mine, makes me angry. I think church is retarded. It has retarded dress codes, retarded rules that are supposed to make me a better Christian but only make me a better faker, retarded ways of selling christianity to people, which only deceives them to think salvation is a simple prayer and life will be perfect! That is BULL! This walk is the hardest thing to do in the world. Salvation is not a prayer, it is a life, a continual ‘path’ that has all types of bumps, ditches, and ‘invisible trees’ along the way. The church is retarded because it is still segregated, by race, class, ethnic groups and so on. Every denomination thinks it is better than the next, when in fact all of them suck. There is not one denomination that has it 100% correct, and if they believe they do then they are retarded! It makes me so angry! But I think what makes me angry the most is that I know I have to go back. I cannot explain how I know this but I do and it SUCKS! There is currently an inner battle warring in my heart. I am fighting against this, but soon I will give in, I hope. I know that I can’t/ won’t be this way forever. Im not sure what God has planned, but Im pretty sure it involves me in church, my church, soon. But I wont go without a fight, not sure why but thats what I do.
I have no idea where I am with God. In my efforts to be ‘real’ I have lost track of somethings. I desire so much to not be like those people, that I have in some ways become rebellious. I have went back to some old habits, which I loathe. I stay in my room a lot, which is unusual for me because I am so much of a people person. I am searching for realness, for authenticity, for something new. But I dont know what it is. Im not sure where it is either, but I NED IT. I feel like its something so important that I have been trying everything I know to get it but nothing has been working. I wish I knew what it was, ultimately I wish I knew who I am.
My father and I reconciled. I told him how it felt not growing up with a dad, and I told him I would give him one more chance, and if he messes up he can forget that he ever had a daughter. It has been going great. He calls, he sent me some pictures and cards. Im hopeful but not dumb.
I still love my haircut. Even though my grandma basically told me I was going to hell because I cut my hair. It makes me happy. It reminds me that I am not or will I ever be a conformist. Also it is so easy to take care of.
I think I am searching to know God in a different way. A way that is opposite than what I have been taught all my life. To really know Him. But its kind of hard to do that when He doesnt speak to me. Or when Im too busy to read the Bible and really talk to him. It will change soon. Hopefully. I need Him.
Classes are ok. Chemistry is kicking my Butt! But my English classes are great. Havent gotten anything lower than a B+ on my papers/stories. For my latest short story I wrote a satire on the black church. Got an A.
Well its 3:18 am. Im tired. This is my life. Respond if you want. But def. Pray. I need it. I love you all.
I am writing this letter to catch all of you up on what’s going on in my life, the good, the bad, and the ugly. I probably will start off with the ugly, then work my way up to the good LOL. Most of you have stated that I am different, that I have changed since the summer and you are right! I have changed, and in some ways it’s not for the best. This is pretty much written in stream of consciousness, so it doesnt really have an order.
You all know that I was struggling with church, not sure if I wanted to go back to my church, not sure if I wanted to go to church at all, well the struggle has turned into something much more than I expected. Upon my return to Philly, I was worried that friendships with people would end because I chose to get a tattoo and drink. I thought I would be able to handle it, I thought it wouldn’t affect me, but I was wrong. When those relationships ended, it made my heart turn cold. I was/ am angry, hurt, confused etc. At first I told myself that they didn’t deserve me as a friend anyway, and it was their loss, but my heart didn’t believe that. This effected my relationship with God and with people. I have no current desire to go to church. It is hard for me to talk to God because I feel like he is just watching me, looking at me cry, yell, scream, cuss, but all he does is watch. He doesn’t move, He’s not speaking. Now don’t get me wrong, there have been moments where I felt him, but they have been scarce. The very thought of me going to church, especially mine, makes me angry. I think church is retarded. It has retarded dress codes, retarded rules that are supposed to make me a better Christian but only make me a better faker, retarded ways of selling christianity to people, which only deceives them to think salvation is a simple prayer and life will be perfect! That is BULL! This walk is the hardest thing to do in the world. Salvation is not a prayer, it is a life, a continual ‘path’ that has all types of bumps, ditches, and ‘invisible trees’ along the way. The church is retarded because it is still segregated, by race, class, ethnic groups and so on. Every denomination thinks it is better than the next, when in fact all of them suck. There is not one denomination that has it 100% correct, and if they believe they do then they are retarded! It makes me so angry! But I think what makes me angry the most is that I know I have to go back. I cannot explain how I know this but I do and it SUCKS! There is currently an inner battle warring in my heart. I am fighting against this, but soon I will give in, I hope. I know that I can’t/ won’t be this way forever. Im not sure what God has planned, but Im pretty sure it involves me in church, my church, soon. But I wont go without a fight, not sure why but thats what I do.
I have no idea where I am with God. In my efforts to be ‘real’ I have lost track of somethings. I desire so much to not be like those people, that I have in some ways become rebellious. I have went back to some old habits, which I loathe. I stay in my room a lot, which is unusual for me because I am so much of a people person. I am searching for realness, for authenticity, for something new. But I dont know what it is. Im not sure where it is either, but I NED IT. I feel like its something so important that I have been trying everything I know to get it but nothing has been working. I wish I knew what it was, ultimately I wish I knew who I am.
My father and I reconciled. I told him how it felt not growing up with a dad, and I told him I would give him one more chance, and if he messes up he can forget that he ever had a daughter. It has been going great. He calls, he sent me some pictures and cards. Im hopeful but not dumb.
I still love my haircut. Even though my grandma basically told me I was going to hell because I cut my hair. It makes me happy. It reminds me that I am not or will I ever be a conformist. Also it is so easy to take care of.
I think I am searching to know God in a different way. A way that is opposite than what I have been taught all my life. To really know Him. But its kind of hard to do that when He doesnt speak to me. Or when Im too busy to read the Bible and really talk to him. It will change soon. Hopefully. I need Him.
Classes are ok. Chemistry is kicking my Butt! But my English classes are great. Havent gotten anything lower than a B+ on my papers/stories. For my latest short story I wrote a satire on the black church. Got an A.
Well its 3:18 am. Im tired. This is my life. Respond if you want. But def. Pray. I need it. I love you all.
time
its time for me to tell the truth, to stop lying about my current state. so here it goes. i am unsure of who i am.
Oct 13, 2009
i did it again.. keep looking at this stuff... ugh. why cant i have a pure mind? why do i want to watch this stuff? god. please help me not want to watch this stuff. help me not desire that. i want to desire you and only you. im so messed up. i dont want to be addicted again. please please help me. please get these images out of my head. please. im begging you. i cant do it by myself. i need you. please.
Oct 12, 2009
will you?
my heart is hurting. anxiety is attacking me. it wants love and affection. it desires sex and intimacy.
my heart is hurting. anxiety is attacking me. it wants to forget about the past. it desires happiness and joy.
my heart is hurting. anxiety is attacking me. it wants to be free from pain. it desires friendship not judgment.
my heart is hurting. anxiety is attacking me. it wants to give itself to you. it desires you and only you.
my heart is hurting. anxiety is attacking me. it wants to be revived. it desires newness and life.
my heart is hurting. anxiety is attacking me. will you perform this surgery?
will you give me a new one?
will you take this old heart
so anxiety, fear, loneliness, anger, rage, hurt, disappointment and weariness wont exist?
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