stream of consciousness

my current state of emotions = bi-polar. i swear one minute im happy then the next i want to jump off a bridge. im so unsure where all of this is coming from.  i recently left my church for good.  and im afraid.  afraid that the people i loved there will never love me again. afraid of making relationships with new people. like seriously im tired of being hurt.  im also tired of being who i am becuse its never good enough.  no matter how much i give im never good enough to hold on to.  i want to act out. i want to just forget about trying and live how ever i want to live, do what ever i want to do. but i cant.  like there is something that holds me back. i know its God.  even though i dont feel him very much anymore, i know he's there.  i just wish he would speak to me, cuz i really need him to right now.  i ned him to hug me and tell me its going to be ok.  like a daddy would hold his little girl when she is scared... i need a daddy hug.  i cant count on one hand how many hug i recieved from my 'natural' father. oh nad by the way he is coming to philly next week. i havent seen him in like 3 years. im nervous.  i dont know what to say to him.  how is it that you dont know what to say to the man who got your mother pregnant? crazy!  i just want to know that i am loved. really loved. i keep getting tattoos and doing other stuff... but none of that is working... how will i know that i am loved? who will love me? and wont leave me when i make a mistake???