I have Issuses...

For the past couple of weeks I have been talking about racism every Monday, Wednesday, and Friday in all of my classes.  It is becoming a bit overwhelming.  It has opened up many doors that I try so hard to keep closed.  I have been and am being challenged to deal with my issues about being black.   The things that I am about to say might be hurtful but it is my heart.

I hate being black.  I hate that I am still seen as less than because I am a black woman.  I want so much to be white with a dick.

I grew up in a house full of "light-skinned niggas".  My dad is a "purple nigga".  He wasn't around , or if he was around it was only when it was convenient for him; probably when he was taking a break from the crack that he was doing.  My mom was/is GREAT.  but during the summer months she would say "damn u black just like ya daddy" I hated my daddy.

So some situations that I have encountered "black ass niggas" :
  Lost my virginity to a "black ass nigga"
  One "black ass nigga" tried to rape me
  Got pregnant by a "almost very black ass nigga"
  Most of the guys I fucked where "black ass niggas"

I know that I have made some people's mistakes speak for a whole group of people.  But this is not the only reason I hate being black.

This country, this world still does not like black people.  Now of course some of us have fed into every stereotype  out there, but regardless we will never be equal.  The pain that my ancestors went through can not just be forgotten.  I tried so much to think that those things that happened in the past need to stay in the past, but although the direct/blatant racism does not exist much, the subtleness continues.  Therefore it still is BAD.   The history of my people has made me hate myself.  It has made me not want to be associated with it so I can pretend it doesn't exist anymore.  It would be so easy to be white with a dick.  I could walk around thinking all is well with this beautiful country I live in. FUCK this country! Its systems exist only to protect the upper class dicks.

So how can I resolve this? How can I learn these things, Love myself, Love people (ALL PEOPLE) and still fight this fight? because I don't know...

I want to Love being a woman, I want to Love being black.  I want to love people well, even people who hate me.

~ Help

Death

So I can't sleep. At 7:20pm Jan 5, 2010 I watched my great grand pop
take his last breath... he was 84 years old. I don't have many memories
of him. I didn't think I would be sad, I was sure that I wasn't going to
cry. But as I watched the nurses remove all of his tubes from his body,
although he was non responsive when we talked to him, he started to cry
when they took the tubes out. They said he was crying because it was
painful... it made me so sad... to look at him lying there is so much
pain.. Waiting to take his last breath... for all of it to be over... 84
years of life.. Over... I can't sleep... I keep seeing him... take his
last breath.. I remember exactly how it went... he breathed in... then
out for the last time... no more breath in his body.. Yet there was
oxygen in the room...