im sorry.

I wish I could talk to you. I wish I could tell you all the things that are in my heart.  But  you are so far away from me.  So far that I must write them down.  Write them in hopes that you will one day know how much I love and miss you.  I know I have told you this before and I have asked Him to tell you that I love you and I am sorry, but this time I want to tell you the whole story.


His name was JTS.  He was one year older than me but three inches shorter than me.  I fell in love with him when I was 13 years old.  He was my everything.  We planned on being together forever, until we broke up.  But after a coupe of months, we broke up again and then got back together.  No matter how may times he cheated on me, or I cheated on him, our love was real. 


I think about you often.  I wonder what you look like, what are the color of your eyes, and hair.  Sometimes I tell people about you.  I tell them I wish I could have kept you, but it wasnt my choice.  Yesterday, I went to the Baby GAP and looked through the rack of infant clothes.  I wondered if you were a boy or a girl.  I saw the cutest pink dress that I would have brought for you. It was light pink with green and purple stripes at the bottom.  It came with a green and purple stripe shirt that would have gone under the dress and a pair of light pink Chuck Taylors.  If you were a girl. 
    But if you were a boy I would have gotten the navy blue GAP hoodie with the light blue jeans and navy blue Chuck Taylors.  I wandered in the store for about an hour.  Did you hear me whisper, Im sorry?


The last time Jeff and I got back together was the best.  He would call me all the time and we would talk for hours.  One night we were talking about getting together.  He asked me if I was on the pill.  I said yes.  I lied.  He told me to meet him at the church because he missed me.  He loved me.  He wanted to make love to me.  He lied.


I wonder if you are in Heaven.  Sometimes when I look at the sky, I think you are looking down at me.  But I dont know what you look like.  Ive asked God to tell you that I am sorry.  Did you get to talk to him yet?  Has he told you the things Ive told him?  Are you having a good time?  Im sure it’s better than the time you would have had here.


When he saw me he took me by the hand and led me to the second floor of the church.   Room 205.  That was the room we always made love in.  I was so excited to be in his arms again.  It had been about a year since the last time.  With him.  I remembered our times before.  How good they were.  How delicate he was.  How I could feel his love with his every stroke.  But this time was different.  I didnt know it happened and before I knew it, it was over.  I was so confused.  All he could say was sorry, I jerked off earlier, sorry.  I didnt think much of it.  I was just glad to be in his arms one more time.


I wonder if I will  be able to have other children.  I want you to know that even if I do I will never forget about you.  You were my first.  You are my first.  Im sorry.


Before it was time for my cycle, I knew I was pregnant.  I tried to tell my best friend Alex, who was going to be your godmother.  She didnt believe me.  She had brought me two pregnancy test that year and it was only the beginning in July.  I kept telling her that I knew I was pregnant and when I didnt have my cycle she brought me a test. 
     We were at a house warming party on a Saturday afternoon.  I took the black plastic bag in the bathroom with me.  After I peed on the stick, I had to wait five minutes for the results.  That was the longest five minutes of my life.  And there it was.  Positive.  I had only been 16 for less than a month.  And it was positive.


Sometimes I think about how different life would be for us right now.  Im sure I wouldnt be in college.  Im sure my life would have been miserable.  Because I was 16.  And as much as it hurts me to say this.  Im sure it was the right decision.  Im sorry.


When I told your father I could hear the hatred rise in his voice.  I lied to him.  He told me to get rid of you.  But I couldnt.  I wanted to have you.  I wanted to be your mother. To hold you.  I planned on running away from home.  I was going to move into a group home and love you.  I wanted to. I needed you.  No one else loved me.  I needed you to love me. 
     I decided to tell my mother.  She told me I had to get rid of you.  She said she wasnt going to let me mess up my life with a baby like she did hers.  Im her only child.  She told me I was too young.  So I had to get rid of you.  The doctors put me to sleep and you were gone.  I asked for a picture of you.  But after about two weeks I had to get rid of if.  I couldnt look at you anymore.  Im sorry.


I want you to know that I am sorry.  Im sorry I didnt give you a chance to live. Im sorry you only lived for 8 1/2 weeks.  But I couldnt have taken care of you.  As much as this hurts to say, it was the best decision.  I am a different person.  I am in college.  I have learned from my mistakes.  I am no longer joining my body with men.  I have joined my body with God.  I hope you can understand this.  There was no way I could have provided for you.  I was 16. 
     In this life we have to make decisions that no matter which one is chosen, someone will inevitably be hurt.  Im sorry I chose you.  I could have gave you up for adoption.  But I wouldnt have.  I was using you to get the love that no one else at the time was giving me.
    Ive learned many lessons.  Lessons that I dont think I could have learned if I was your mother.  Ive learned that God loves me and I must love myself if Im going to live this life to its fullest.  Ive learned that my body is precious and needs to be treated as such.  So I keep it safe.  The next person that will enter it will be my husband.  I wish I could have had it both ways.  I wish you could have lived and I still be the person I am now.  But Im sure that was not possible.  I couldnt have been the mother you needed.  Because until a short time ago, I didnt know what a real mother looked like. 
     My mother and I have reconciled our relationship since the doctors took you away.  Forever.  We have even talked about you.  She is sorry that she made me choose not to let you live.  But she knows that was the best decision.
      Im not sure if a person can ask for forgiveness and understanding simultaneously.  But I must.  I want you to forgive me.  I want you to know that it was the best choice.  I think. 
     I love you.  I hope to see you when I get to heaven.  I hope to hold you in my arms.  I hope to be your mother. 

me and God are back together.  Im happy that we can just pick up where I left off.  HE LOVES ME OH HOW HE LOVES ME.  HE IS JEALOUS FOR ME, LOVES LIKE A HURRICANE, I AM A TREE, BENDING BENEATH THE WEIGHT OF HIS WIND AND MERCY.  WHEN ALL OF A SUDDEN I AM UNAWARE OF THESE AFFLICTIONS ECLIPSED BY GLORY, AND I REALIZED JUST HOW BAUTIFUL YOU ARE AND HOW GREAT YOUR AFFECTIONS ARE FOR ME.    HE LOVES ME OH HOW HE LOVES ME OH HOW HE LOVES ME. OH HOW HE LLLLLOOOOVVVVEEESSSS!