Jan 27, 2010

I have Issuses...

For the past couple of weeks I have been talking about racism every Monday, Wednesday, and Friday in all of my classes.  It is becoming a bit overwhelming.  It has opened up many doors that I try so hard to keep closed.  I have been and am being challenged to deal with my issues about being black.   The things that I am about to say might be hurtful but it is my heart.

I hate being black.  I hate that I am still seen as less than because I am a black woman.  I want so much to be white with a dick.

I grew up in a house full of "light-skinned niggas".  My dad is a "purple nigga".  He wasn't around , or if he was around it was only when it was convenient for him; probably when he was taking a break from the crack that he was doing.  My mom was/is GREAT.  but during the summer months she would say "damn u black just like ya daddy" I hated my daddy.

So some situations that I have encountered "black ass niggas" :
  Lost my virginity to a "black ass nigga"
  One "black ass nigga" tried to rape me
  Got pregnant by a "almost very black ass nigga"
  Most of the guys I fucked where "black ass niggas"

I know that I have made some people's mistakes speak for a whole group of people.  But this is not the only reason I hate being black.

This country, this world still does not like black people.  Now of course some of us have fed into every stereotype  out there, but regardless we will never be equal.  The pain that my ancestors went through can not just be forgotten.  I tried so much to think that those things that happened in the past need to stay in the past, but although the direct/blatant racism does not exist much, the subtleness continues.  Therefore it still is BAD.   The history of my people has made me hate myself.  It has made me not want to be associated with it so I can pretend it doesn't exist anymore.  It would be so easy to be white with a dick.  I could walk around thinking all is well with this beautiful country I live in. FUCK this country! Its systems exist only to protect the upper class dicks.

So how can I resolve this? How can I learn these things, Love myself, Love people (ALL PEOPLE) and still fight this fight? because I don't know...

I want to Love being a woman, I want to Love being black.  I want to love people well, even people who hate me.

~ Help


zgardner said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
zgardner said...

Layben, first, I don't think that you should apologize for the way that YOU feel-- you are entitled to your emotions and insecurities (if you want to call it that). To be "white w/ a dick" would put you amongst some of the most powerful people in the world as it has been a prerequisite for success for so long. And it is no doubt challenging to be a part of the most marginalized groups of people, but there is also so much beauty in it as well. There are so many wonderful attributes to our sexuality and our ethnicity-- but no one can tell you how to love yourself or others, Layben-- you have to discover that for yourself, my friend-- and it is a journey. My advice is to first learn to be patient with yourself and others, then learn to be completely present with the people you encounter along the way, and always, ALWAYS explore (and enjoy the exploration). Additionally, continue to challenge yourself and others, but make sure you are always true to yourself-- and that may be difficult if you are still struggling with who that "self" is and how to love thy self-- and so sometimes you may have to learn to be quiet and observant and instead, open your heart and mind to what you're learning and make time to reflect on those ideas. And when you walk away from these moments of meditation and reflection, definitely continue to share your thoughts and allow feedback, and there, the cycle of knowledge and learning will continue. In the meantime (and after it all), I love your crazy, dramatic self!