I have Issuses...

For the past couple of weeks I have been talking about racism every Monday, Wednesday, and Friday in all of my classes.  It is becoming a bit overwhelming.  It has opened up many doors that I try so hard to keep closed.  I have been and am being challenged to deal with my issues about being black.   The things that I am about to say might be hurtful but it is my heart.

I hate being black.  I hate that I am still seen as less than because I am a black woman.  I want so much to be white with a dick.

I grew up in a house full of "light-skinned niggas".  My dad is a "purple nigga".  He wasn't around , or if he was around it was only when it was convenient for him; probably when he was taking a break from the crack that he was doing.  My mom was/is GREAT.  but during the summer months she would say "damn u black just like ya daddy" I hated my daddy.

So some situations that I have encountered "black ass niggas" :
  Lost my virginity to a "black ass nigga"
  One "black ass nigga" tried to rape me
  Got pregnant by a "almost very black ass nigga"
  Most of the guys I fucked where "black ass niggas"

I know that I have made some people's mistakes speak for a whole group of people.  But this is not the only reason I hate being black.

This country, this world still does not like black people.  Now of course some of us have fed into every stereotype  out there, but regardless we will never be equal.  The pain that my ancestors went through can not just be forgotten.  I tried so much to think that those things that happened in the past need to stay in the past, but although the direct/blatant racism does not exist much, the subtleness continues.  Therefore it still is BAD.   The history of my people has made me hate myself.  It has made me not want to be associated with it so I can pretend it doesn't exist anymore.  It would be so easy to be white with a dick.  I could walk around thinking all is well with this beautiful country I live in. FUCK this country! Its systems exist only to protect the upper class dicks.

So how can I resolve this? How can I learn these things, Love myself, Love people (ALL PEOPLE) and still fight this fight? because I don't know...

I want to Love being a woman, I want to Love being black.  I want to love people well, even people who hate me.

~ Help

Death

So I can't sleep. At 7:20pm Jan 5, 2010 I watched my great grand pop
take his last breath... he was 84 years old. I don't have many memories
of him. I didn't think I would be sad, I was sure that I wasn't going to
cry. But as I watched the nurses remove all of his tubes from his body,
although he was non responsive when we talked to him, he started to cry
when they took the tubes out. They said he was crying because it was
painful... it made me so sad... to look at him lying there is so much
pain.. Waiting to take his last breath... for all of it to be over... 84
years of life.. Over... I can't sleep... I keep seeing him... take his
last breath.. I remember exactly how it went... he breathed in... then
out for the last time... no more breath in his body.. Yet there was
oxygen in the room...

hopefully this break will be good to me.  im not going to work. i just want to read and write.  i have a lot of things i need to figure out.  and develop discipline... before next semester... i need to get over my fear of failure.. and do everything i can do to succeed...  there is greatness inside of me... there is greatness inside of me... there is greatness inside of me... its time to bring it out...

i just realized that i am lost. 

im trying to find where a belong - apart from God.
its not working.

i want to be a christian.  i really love God.
i want to live my life - my way.
its not working.

so im lost.  im not happy.  im on the verge of really going backwards.
iv worked so hard to get where i am.  all to be lost at the end.
thats stupid.

so i need to be rescued. 
i need to find my way from here.
i cant go back
i dont want to be that person anymore.

i need to be rescued.

SUCKKKKK

going to fail ANOTHER fucking class... SHIT. I fucking SUCK!!!! What is wrong with me?  Why can't I just do my work? or whatever. IDK what my problem is.  Maybe I just SUCK!!! FUCK ME!!!

the cycle

fear. success. fail. fear. do it all over again.




fear. success. fail. fear.



the cycle of my life. afraid of success so i fail. which only brings more fear.

 INSANITY.

my mom brought me a guitar. im so excited. i cant wait until i can really play. JESUS i want to play to you.  i want to play to you when im sad, angry, happy or whatever.  When i dont know what to say to you i will play to you.  Because even though my life is tough right now I LOVE YOU, I NEED YOU, AND IM TRYING NOT TO LET YOU GO. YOUR MY SAVIOR AND I WANT YOU TO BE MY CLOSEST FRIEND.  please help me to hold on tight to you. because you arent like any other man or woman that has hurt me.  you love me with perfect love.  please help me to love myself like you love me and even though i will never be perfect at least i can try to be more like you everyday.  i love you.
~your favorite one